Weekend Update: Cathy Anne on Pizzagate – SNL

Weekend Update: Cathy Anne on Pizzagate – SNL


A NORTH CAROLINA MAN WAS
ARRESTED AFTER HE WALKED INTO A PIZZA PLACE WITH AN ASSAULT
RIFLE AND SAYING HE WAS INSPIRED BY A FAKE NEWS STORY HE READ OFF
THE INTERNET. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS THE
WOMAN THAT’S ALWAYS YELLING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW, CATHY ANN.
>>HEY, HEY, HEY. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT IDIOT WENT
INTO THAT PIZZA SHOP WITH A GUN, AND HE DIDN’T LEAVE WITH NO
MONEY AND NO PIZZA? I MEAN, HELLO!
>>HE WASN’T TRYING TO ROB IT. HE THOUGHT HE WAS TRYING TO
BREAK UP A PEDOPHILE –>>THE FAKE NEWS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY, OKAY?
YEAH, OKAY? WE ALL CAN AGREE WE GOT SHI AND
CRAZY PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY. CRAZY PEOPLE DON’T EVEN HAVE
FAKE NEWS TO GET THEM GOING. I CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE I’VE BEEN
ONE OF THEM, OKAY? THERE WERE TIMES THAT I WOULD
SMOKE YOU KNOW WHAT — CRACK — HEY, HEY, I’M SERIOUS.
I WOULD ACT PRETTY ERRATICALLY, I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.
PEOPLE LIKE ME DO NOT NEED TO BE ENCOURAGED.
>>FORTUNE AND REDDING.>>IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE
CORRECTING ME ALL DAMN DAY, HOW ABOUT YOU START WITH MY
PSORIASIS.>>OH, MY GOD.
>>I’M LIKE A CECADA.>>CLINGING ON TO A TREE
SOMEWHERE. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,
BUT ALL THAT FAKE NEWS IS THE WORK OF THE ALT-RIGHT.
RIGHT? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO
CALL THE WHITE SUPREMACISTS NOW BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE PEOPLE
THAT ARE HOLD IT SWASTIKERS GET OFFENDED WHEN YOU CALL THEM
NAZIS. WHAT THE HELL?
THE WHOLE POINT IS TO SAY WHITE PRIDE IS THAT YOU ARE PROUD OF
THAT CRAP. YOU’RE NOT McCAFE.
YOU’RE McDONALD’S. YOU’RE NOT HERE FOR A FANCY FRAP
CHINO. I’M HERE BECAUSE I BURNED SOME
BRIDGES AT WENDY’S. WHAT IS THIS RIGHT WING
CONSPIRACY SO FOP LAR ANYWAY? WHAT HAPPENED TO JUST USING THE
INTERNET FOR WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO.
PORNO.>>GETTING BACK TO THE
ALT-RIGHT.>>HERE’S MY NUMBER ONE PROBLEM
WITH THE ALT-RIGHT. IT’S NOT THE RACISM.
NO OFFENSE.>>WHAT?
>>IT’S THAT THEY THINK THEY ARE SO FUNNY.
THAT’S NOT FUNNY. THAT’S LIKE WHEN YOU FIRST GO IN
THE JAIL, AND THEY FIND THE FATTEST GUY AND PULL HIS PANTS
DOWN, AND EVERYBODY GETS TO SLAP HIS BUTT ONE TIME TO SEE WHO
LEAVES THE REDDEST MARK.>>THAT IS — DID YOU GO TO A
MALE PRISON?>>THEY PUT YOU WHERE THEY PUT
YOU. LOOK, LOOK, THE ALT-RIGHT, THEY
AIN’T AS FUNNY AS THEY THINK, BUT THEY ARE THE LIBERALS AIN’T
EVEN TRYING TO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.
I MEAN, YOU EVEN MENTION A SENSE OF HUMOR.
THEY GOT TO ON-LINE PETITION ABOUT YOU A DAY LATER.
ALL THEY DO IS YELL AT EACH OTHER ON FACEBOOK ABOUT SAFETY
PINS AND BERNIE SANDERS. ALL RIGHT, YOU’RE 100 TIMES
SMARTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE AND ABOUT A BILLION TIMES LESS FUN.
>>OKAY. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DON’T HAVE A
LOT OF FAITH ON EITHER SIDE ON ON-LINE FAKE NEWS.
>>YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK EVERYBODY NEEDS TO GET
OFF THE DAMN INTERNET FOR A FEW DAYS.
INCLUDING DONALD TRUMP. I KNOW HE IS WATCHING.
[ APPLAUSE ] GO OUTSIDE.
MEET PEOPLE FACE-TO-FACE, AND LIKE THE PILGRIMS AND ALL THE
CAVE MEN ALL DID. THE WORLD IS MESSED UP, BUT I
DON’T LET IT GET ME TOO DOWN BECAUSE I LISTEN TO THE WORDS OF
MY HERO. MICHELLE ROBAMA.
THEY GO LOW, I GET HIGH.>>CATHY, EVERYBODY.
>>WE GOT A THING GOING.>>I DON’T THINK WE DO.
>>GOOD NIGHT. ♪♪♪

100 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *