Is Codependency a Personality Disorder? …Is it in the DSM?

Is Codependency a Personality Disorder?  …Is it in the DSM?


Hey guys, this is Dana and in this video I’m
going to be going over whether or not co-dependency is in the DSM. So if you’re not familiar with
the term the DSM, DSM stands for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
It’s the, kind of the go-to book or the “Bible” for mental health professionals and in this
book it list out all different types of mental illnesses and personality disorders along
with the different criteria that a person needs to have, needs to be presenting with
in order to be assessed and diagnosed with those. So either a mental illness or a personality
disorder or both because people are people and everybody’s individual. So a person you
know they might have more than one thing going on with them which is oftentimes very, very
common. So a person could have a mental illness, they could be let’s say they could have
schizophrenia but they could also have personality disorders on top of that and it can be very
difficult often times or they could be bipolar and then they can also have you know some
sort of personality disorder or they could have several different types of personality
disorders or they could have several different types of mental illness going on. So it can
be very, it’s not a very cut and dry thing that oftentimes a very difficult thing for
mental health professionals to untangle and see what’s going on there. Especially if a
person also has a co-crank substance abuse problem because that can manifest as either
a mental illness or personality disorder. So people are complicated and this book it’s
an interesting book, like I said it lists out everything. So and the book is continually
being updated. So it grows and changes words and terms are added to it, words and terms
are taken out of it. It doesn’t necessarily mean that those different diagnoses are no
longer valid or legitimate, it just means, it might mean that they’ve just been re-categorized.
So you know for example the categorization of multiple personality disorder is no longer
in there but it’s been replaced with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). There have been some
and theres changes, there’s all kinds of changes, there’s changes with Autism Spectrum
Disorders (ASD) recently, there’s been talk of them removing kind of in order to clarify
things removing the concept or the term of narcissists. What they would replace that
with you know I don’t know but that doesn’t mean that narcissists don’t exist. It just
means that that term is going to be redesigned and reshuffled around, much like the terms
sociopaths and psychopaths right. So those terms were in the DSM they were then combined,
now they’re under the umbrella of anti — we�ll they’ve kind of been renamed completely
actually with the name Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD). So in this book it’s not an
exact science because a person has to meet just a handful of criteria for each one in
order to actually have that different diagnosis. So just because something’s not in the DSM
doesn’t mean that it’s problematic and just because something is in the DSM doesn’t necessarily
mean that it’s 100% accurate. So it’s just you know it’s a book written by human beings,
it’s infallible and it does change and evolve as understandings change and evolve. So with
that said co-dependency is currently not in the DSM. Although in 1986 a psychiatrist by
the name of Timmen Cermak proposed that he felt like it should be and he felt that should
be a personality disorder listed in there and he proposed a handful of criteria for
the “disorder” of co-dependency. So I’m going to go through those. There’s about there’s
five main ones and then like ten subcategories to it. So I’m going to go through those and
then I’m going to back through those and then just kind of give my take, my impression,
my understanding of it and I think maybe that’ll help to kind of break it down. So okay, so the criteria that he proposed
for co-dependency being in the DSM: 1. Continued investment and the ability to
control both oneself and others in the face of serious adverse consequences
2. Assumption of responsibility for meeting others needs to the exclusion of acknowledging
one’s own 3. Anxiety and boundary distortions around
intimacy and separation 4. Enmeshment in relationships with personality
disordered, chemically dependent, other co-dependent and/or impulse disordered individuals
5. Three or more of the following: 1) Excessive reliance on denial
2) Constriction of emotions with or without dramatic outbursts
3) Depression 4) Hyper vigilance
5) Compulsions 6) Anxiety
7) Substance abuse 8) Has been or is the victim of recurrent
physical or sexual abuse 9) Stress-related mental illness
10) Has remained in a primary relationship with an active substance abuser for at least
two years without seeking outside help. So with all — before I kind of get any further,
with all this talk about the DSM and everything you know, we can talk about abusive people
and emotional abuse and all of this but it can be really difficult to get an accurate
diagnosis as far as whether or not a person is in fact, I think co-dependency is one of
those things it’s a more widely used term and people, I think probably because it’s
not in the DSM ironically enough mental health professionals are more inclined to use it
because if they do use the label of well this person is a narcissist, this person is an
antisocial, they are a sociopath, they are potentially opening up themselves for a lawsuit
right. So a lot — I think that’s one of the reasons, one of the many reasons that
a lot of mental health professionals might shy away from actually using that term. So
and again like you can because it’s an art it’s not so much a science it’s and it’s you
know a person has to present with different behaviour and oftentimes manipulative people
do a really great job at manipulating. So if they go into the office of a mental health
professional there’s a really good chance they’re going to put on a really great act
and potentially snow this person who doesn’t of course the mental health professional doesn’t
know them. So they’re not going to know what’s going on and if the partner’s incredibly
manipulated by them it’s just another form of added crazy making. So many, many, many
different layers of complexity here but just kind of for the sake of clarity you know only
a licensed mental health professional can assign the diagnosis of a different personality
disorder but with that being said the personalities, these labels especially when we’re talking
about personality disorders these labels these are these are pointers to behaviour. So it’s
not necessarily the label that’s important it’s the behaviours that are imported. So
if you are experiencing a bunch of highly problematic behaviour to you no matter what
it is, really no matter what it is because this is you and this is your life and what
might be okay for somebody else might not be okay for you right. So if it’s highly problematic
for you, if your partner is not ready, willing or able to change then it’s okay for that
to be a deal breaker behaviour. I think a lot of people tend to get caught up with needing
that validation from other people that it’s okay for them to walk away and this is 100%
you know all about you, all about knowing yourself well enough to know what is deal
breaker stuff for you okay. So with that said let me run back through the list and then
I’ll kind of give you my two cents on it okay. 1. Continued investment and the ability to
control both oneself and others in the face of serious adverse consequences. The way that
I have seen this play out has been — So when I was working at the domestic violence
shelter we saw this time and time again and I see this fairly often in the support groups
as well. So if a person is and especially a physically abusive relationship, if they’ve
been in it for any length of time and they’re staying then that behaviour that they’re experiencing,
that physical abuse is now the new normal. So what — once registered as highly problematic,
scary, dangerous, destructive behaviour is not that anymore it’s now normal and so in
order for things to register as really problematic for them to get away and to get themselves
to a place of safety, this person the problematic person’s behaviour really has to escalate
to an extremely dangerous level and unfortunately this is how many people end up getting put
in the hospital or killed because it’s not — they might be thinking to themselves well
but you know he or she has hit me before, they’ve choke me before, they’ve you know
tried to run me off the road before, they’ve done all of these terrible things before,
this is just how we fight. So I’m used to it like you know it’s okay for me to meet
up with them or it’s okay for them to come over and talk after they’ve just threatened
my life or its okay for me to go meet them in the middle of nowhere cause they want to
talk or things like this to a person that’s not in that situation you know if you’re not
a situation it’s much easier to see it clearly and to think this is really, really dangerous
what are you doing but if they’re in the middle of that that’s just their new normal but the
problem is with, especially with dangerous or destructive behaviour like that it tends
to escalate. So just because a person and this sounds terrible even saying it right
but just because that might be how they normally fight if they normally choke them or hit them
or do whatever that behaviour tends to escalate and just because a person didn’t go to the
hospital or die or have other consequences before doesn’t mean that they won’t down the
road. So it’s really important for co-dependent person — you know a lot of co-dependent
people tend to stay, they tend to have this idea of (how did he put it) this idea, this
investment and the ability to control oneself and others and to sit in the face of serious
adverse consequences. They think that they still have control over an uncontrollable
out of control situation. So always, always, always the default position always needs to
be to move ourselves to a place of safety and sanity. Go with your gut always err on
the side of caution even if other people think you’re being drama, even if you think you’re
being drama, even if like go with your gut feeling. If you feel like you’re in danger
especially when a person has already proven that they are dangerous then you need to do
what you need to do to get yourself to a place of safety okay. 2. Assumption of responsibility for meeting
others needs to the exclusion of acknowledging one’s own. So this is the whole kind of sinking
ourselves in order to help somebody else swim. All at the stake of keeping the relationship
afloat. So this is real classic co-dependent kind of behaviour, it’s this excessive caretaking.
Like I will just bend over backwards to make you okay to meet the other person’s needs,
to make this relationship work and it’s generally you know reading books on self-help, it’s
going to marriage retreats, it’s trying to manage the other person’s behaviour by changing
our own. So maybe being extra nice and trying to be a good wife or a good husband and going
above and beyond with the hopes that are — if we are just a good enough partner that our
partner will treat us in a loving way but that’s not how things work 3. Anxiety and boundary distortions around
intimacy and separation. So a lot of co-dependent people tend to have this definite blurred
boundary distortion. It’s again it’s all about the other person and this anxiety about separation,
this tends to be very clinging kind of behaviour, it’s holding on to this relationship when
the other person is obviously not emotionally invested in this relationship at all. They’re,
you know they’re lying or cheating or stealing they’re — or doing any number, any one
of those things is deal breaker behaviour but they’re doing things that show that they’re
not working as a team okay and but the co-dependent person feels addicted to them. They have this
real blurred sense of boundaries, they might feel sorry that, they often feel sorry for
the abusive person thinking well they can’t control themselves, it’s due to their bad
childhood or it’s due to the alcohol or its due to maybe I’m just really difficult
maybe and of course and oftentimes the manipulative abusive person is telling us that we’re
the problem. So it can be, it’s a lot to sort out and untangle 4. Enmeshment in relationships with personality
disordered, chemically dependent, other co-dependent and/or impulse disordered individuals. So
it’s the same kind of things. So this enmeshment it’s feeling responsible for another adult
you know it’s this excessive caretaking in motion. It’s you know it’s not equal. So it’s
I think a more kind of common understanding would be if you’ve got an alcoholic spouse
and then the co-dependent spouses is calling in sick for work for them they are enabling
this bad behaviour, they you know it’s this idea of it’s you and me against the world
and I’ll just make everything okay and we’re going to get you fixed but this other person
may or may not and again it’s this idea of commitment at all costs and even and oftentimes
the cost is at their emotional and physical safety and sanity. So that’s not healthy right.
So a healthy relationship has deal breaker behaviour, it’s you don’t have to sacrifice
your dignity or your self-respect to stay in a relationship and if you’re finding yourself
caretaking another grown adult like that’s a problem right it’s not an equal dynamic 5. Three or more of the following:
1) Excessive reliance on denial. So co-dependent people queens and kings of denial right. So
we oftentimes justify, minimize, deflect, deny their bad behaviour and this is what
burns a lot of other people out. So other people around us don’t want to hear about
it anymore because we’re oftentimes minimizing or just flat-out denying this bad behaviour,
telling ourselves well it’s this persons acting in this way because of work, because of stress,
because there’s a new baby, because, because, because but the real reason is they’re acting
that way because they’re acting that way because that’s their behaviour and they think that
it’s okay to act that way. So and it’s really interesting if you’ve ever listen, if you’ve
ever had a friend cause of course it’s so much easier to see in other people right than
it is to see within ourselves but if you’ve been in a support group, if you’ve talked
to other people that have been a really unhealthy relationships and how the level of which they
deny what is going on and minimize it. I think really any Jerry Springer episode shows this
right. So you have the person that’s — if you have to bring your partner to Jerry Springer
or a show like that to get a paternity test like there’s that’s one of many problems in
the relationship right. So but these people that go on there, it’s —they have been
so lied to and they’re so confused and they so want to believe their partner because if
they don’t believe their partner, if they accept the fact that this person has multiple
children by multiple partners and is doing all kinds of crazy stuff behind their back,
if they accept that that is the reality, that their partner really does have all this problematic
behaviour and that there’s no other excuse for it right. They can no longer blame the
other woman, they can no longer lie about it, then to the co-dependent person they’re
running out of options, they’re running out of ways to justify staying in this relationship
which is really scary for a co-dependent person because co-dependent people tender to it’s
that whole commitment at all costs. So they cling onto this relationship and they oftentimes
will settle for any lie that they’re told because they just want a reason to stay. So
they — and you know the kind of this motto for a manipulative person is well what are
you going to believe like me or your lying eyes right and to a co-dependent person they
are going to be more inclined to be like well there must be a problem with me and my lying
eyes because it can’t be my partner because if it’s my partner then that means the relationship’s
unhealthy and it means I need actually leave but I don’t want to leave because I feel addicted
to them, I need them. So that’s this real dysfunctional dynamic right.
3) Depression. So a lot of co-dependent people tend to have depression because they’re in
these really unhealthy situations especially if they’re doing all the work. So if they’re
the only one that’s trying to keep this relationship afloat and the partner just as out doing whatever
they’re doing it’s exhausting right. So but in the mind of a co-dependent they might
not interpreted that way, they might interpret it as we’ve really gone through a lot together
it’s you know but that’s not the reality. The reality is the partner has put them through
a lot and they have been dragged along for it and now it’s up to them to make everything
okay. So it wears a person out, it’s incredibly depressing because the irony is co-dependent
people tend to not want to leave a relationship because they don’t want to be alone but the
truth is if you’re in a relationship with the wrong person let alone a manipulative
or abusive person you already are alone and I will tell you there’s nothing — I mean
I speak from experience like there’s nothing worse than being in a relationship with the
wrong person, there’s nothing more lonely than that. So yeah tremendous amount of depression
4) Hyper vigilance. Hyper vigilance tends to be questioning everything wondering kind
of waiting for the next shoe to drop. This is really common for co-dependent people because
you’re with the person when — who is there�s generally always something there right. So
like every few months they find out something new, oh you know he’s gotten somebody else
pregnant or oh he went off and stole ten thousand dollars or oh he’s now in jail or oh she’s
you know stolen money or opened up a credit card without him knowing there’s always something
with manipulative people because they are not team, they’re not relationship oriented,
they just do what they want to do regardless of consequences but it’s really hard for us
for other people that are in these dynamics to understand that because we still think
that we’re in a relationship with the person that wants to act as a team and we’re not
and it’s hard for us to see that because it’s so opposite and contrary to how we go about
things. It’s often takes many of us decades even really truly understand that there’s
people like this in the world. It’s like it’s just mind-boggling. So yes waiting for the
other shoe to drop because the other shoe does tend to drop every few months
5) Compulsions. So compulsions this is how this is manifested in my life and I am — everybody’s
a little bit different but for me it’s been this compulsive need to jump in and fix things
for other people. So if I have a friend or person who’s in crisis I will leap before
I look. So I might offer time or money or you know resources that I don’t, I might not
even have them. So thinking to myself well I need to go save them, like they’re in a
really bad situation and they need help and I would really want somebody to do that for
me. So I should really go do that for them and the next thing I know I’ve offered,
I’ve way over extended myself trying to help them. A lot of co-dependent people do this,
they might give maybe their adult children money that they don’t have and next thing
they know they’re eating peanut butter sandwiches until payday because they can’t afford anything
cause they’ve given their kids all the money that they have. So things like this like just
overextending ourselves trying to make other people’s lives work
6) Anxiety. So anxiety right, so for with a manipulative person and the other shoe was
always, we’re always waiting for this to drop that creates a tremendous amount of anxiety
because we have no stability in our life, we never know if we’re going to, what they’re
up to. So we never have that reassurance of as our marriage is still going to be intact
a month from now, is somebody else going to show up at our door pregnant, is our partner
going to just up and leave us again because all of a sudden they just now want to divorce
out of the clear blue and then we find out it’s because they’ve — they’re cheating
right or if they’ve spent money that they didn’t tell us about. So it’s that — got
a lot of these feelings, the anxiety, the depression, hyper vigilance, it’s totally
understandable. Like those are very normal responses to a very abnormal situation but
the problem is we tend to not see this as an abnormal situation it’s, we tend to see
it as well this is just the normal highs and lows of a relationship but it’s not
7) Substance abuse. So a lot of co-dependent people in ordered to cope and numb out from
their anxiety and their depression and hyper vigilance and all of these feelings with this
relationship they tend to turn to drugs and alcohol and it could be and it tends to be
downers right. So it tends to be alcohol, it tends to be marijuana, it tends to be,
it can be even prescription pills. So anti-anxiety meds, Benzos right, like Ativan or things
like that to sedate them. It can also be food, I think a lot of co-dependent people tend
to gain weight; addition weight tends to have this protective effect for a person. So lot
of us tend to emotional eat and emotionally eat. So again it’s ways of coping with a situation
that doesn’t work because we’re not comfortable in actually addressing this situation because
if we were, if we were to actually bring up the issues then we know that there’s a very
solid chance that our partner would leave and for a lot of co-dependent people that’s
the absolute worst case scenario okay. 8) Has been or is the victim of reoccurrence
physical or sexual abuse. I would — my two cents, I would also add in there emotional
abuse but at the same time emotional and verbal abuse always if vast majority of the time
if not always proceeds physical abuse. So because that behaviour escalates but co-dependent
people tend to have this pattern of getting tangled up with abusive people. I think there’s
a lot to this because in part with a co-dependent person. So again this goes back to what is
a person’s idea of normal. So if a person grows up in a home where let’s say they were
sexually abused or verbally, there’s some sort of abuse going on: verbal abuse, emotional
abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, if this was going on you know as the
child was getting older that might be their new normal, that is their new normal. So outrageous
behaviour when they started dating might not register, most likely will not register as
problematic because they’ve already experienced it or if a child has experienced extreme abuse
in childhood and then they date. So let’s say for example they were beaten as a child
right but now they’re in a relationship as an adult with a person who is emotionally
abusive they might be telling — I think is so common. A lot of times they might be
time themselves well but it’s not as bad as what I went through when I was a kid. So therefore
the kind of invalidate, they minimized, they deny, they justify what they’re currently
going through because yeah this person might you know lie and cheat and yell and scream
but at least they’re not getting hit. So there tends to be this real skewed perception of
boundaries and standards for what’s okay, what’s deal-breaker behaviour in their life.
A lot of co-dependent people don’t have deal breaker behavior again it’s that whole
idea of commitment at all costs. 9) Stress-related medical illnesses. So this
could be any type of you know disorder where stress exacerbates it. So MS would be an example
of that but on a more Lupus, autoimmune type disorders, stress really intensifies that,
Psoriasis can be — stress manifests in so many different ways. It could be a person
losing their hair, it could be a lot of like GI type issues. So irritable bowel syndrome
or constipation or you know weight gain or I think Fibromyalgia, I think a big cause
of fibromyalgia is in fact some form of trauma, some sort of like abusive dynamic that’s going
on but again a lot of people — because a lot of people don’t realize that they’re
in an abusive situation for decades because this is their new normal or because too we
all have this idea of what an abusive relationship is right. So a person might think well it’s
not abusive unless I’m being beaten, beaten or raped right unless and even then they might
have this idea of what it means to be beaten or raped. So if those things are not obvious,
if it’s not like overtly obvious types of behaviour. If a person, you know because a
lot of people have this idea that physical abuse is a woman victim or target and a male
abuser and that the woman is getting hit in the face and that she’s got bruises all over
her face and that this is an ongoing thing. And so if what’s happening to them does not
meet this picture in their mind of what abuse is they don’t identify it as being abusive,
that makes sense right. So but the truth is that abuse occurs in many different forms
and emotional abuse, verbal abuse are some of the worst forms of abuse out there because
it’s so, oftentimes very subtle and it’s this slow grinding down of another person.
So verbal and emotional abuse it’s oftentimes cloaked in cruel jokes, it can be name-calling,
it’s not always name calling. So a lot of people think too well you know this person
yells at me but they never call me hurtful names. Well a person doesn’t have to call
you name a hurtful name, it could be pointing out areas that you know you’re insecure or
sensitive about. Like your weight, your age, your height, your hair, your education, your
parenting these kinds of things. Abusive people tend to go for the weak points in their target
or their partner. And so a lot of people don’t, they just don’t know how to identify with
what’s going on. They just think well my partner is under a lot of stress or she’s under a
lot of stress or she’s just kind of a jerk or its cause she’s got a bad childhood or
this which, that may all be true but it’s still not okay to treat another human being
that way. So again like a lot of abuse just goes unidentified or misidentified for a long
time but it can and does lead to many other types of disorders out there, physical disorders
like I was mentioning you know GI disorders, skin disorders, autoimmune — making autoimmune
disorders worse, that’s just I mean but really stress, I mean heart problems, I mean it goes
on and on and on like there’s a systemic effect that stress has on the body and it just, it
can manifest in many, many different ways. 10) Has remained in a primary relationship
with an active substance abuser for at least two years without seeking outside help. I
would also add to this. Now this was; this is his criteria back 1986. The concept of
co-dependency has expanded since then. It was originally, like I talked about it in
another video. It was originally co-dependency was very closely tied to two spouses of addicts
or alcoholics but it’s since been expanded to really include any person that stayed in
any type of dysfunctional dynamic for any length of time really. So I would say, I would
add on to that it’s not just a substance abuser, it’s also a type of dysfunctional or dangerous
or toxic person. So any other type of emotional manipulator of any kind. So staying in this
dynamic without seeking help is highly problematic because again back to that point number one
it’s excessive reliance on denial and back to that original number one it’s this idea
that they can handle it, that it’s not a big deal even though this person is causing all
kinds of financial harm, physical harm, sexual harm, you know possibly bringing home STDs
and you know draining the account or spending money that they don’t have or driving them
into bankruptcy or opening up credit cards. This kind of disruptive dangerous behaviour,
again it shows itself in many, many different ways, it tends to not just be like one thing
because it’s a character trait right. So how a person does something is how they tend to
do multiple things in their life. So if you’re with the person that does not have sincere
accountability for their actions and they don’t have any remorse and they feel entitled
to do whatever they want to do, whenever they want to do it then that’s really problematic
and oftentimes what us who have been in these types of relationships, what we see tends
to just be the tip of the iceberg. So personally speaking with co-dependency I think it is
and I think it’s a really, really dangerous and progressive disorder and if left untreated
it can cause death. I think it is such a big deal. I know that might sound really dramatic
but it’s true either the co-dependent person, if they stay in this dynamic they’re going
to probably numb out and that’s going to accelerate itself right, that tends to get worse because
the other person, their partner’s behaviour tends to get worse over time especially when
they know that the partner’s going to stay. So there’s no incentive for this problematic
person to change. So as this person’s behaviour gets worse the co-dependent person has to
try to cope with it and because the co-dependent person tends to hang onto the very bitter
end they’d have to come up with more and more ways to cope and numb out and deal with this
and oftentimes, I think for a lot of co-dependent people it can be this very you know the substance
abuse continues and now they’ve got alcoholism on top of this and there’s drug addiction
and you know it’s just it’s a slow death is what it is and or there with a partner whose
behaviour tends to get worse and worse and worse and they hang in there but because they’ve
lost this idea of this sense of what’s appropriate behaviour and so now this person’s threatening
to kill them or they’ve you know taken drastic physical actions you know just shy of killing
them, like choking them or strangling them I should say cause choking is when you choke
on food right and strangling is when another person puts their hands around her throat,
big difference there. If another person’s actually strangled them or has threatened
their life if that’s not registering as dangerous then and it needs to be, then this is how
a lot of these relationships end up in, you know the person ends up in the hospital or
they end up dying. So it is a huge, huge deal, co-dependency again it’s a behaviour traits.
So it’s that’s how, it’s our way of interacting with the world and just like it can be really
hard for any other type of personnel out there to change it can be hard for a co-dependent
person to change too because it’s not just co-dependency in this relationship. I think
it’s really important that we understand that. I didn’t understand that for a long time,
it’s not just in this relationship; it’s how we do everything. So it’s really important
for us to examine our friendships, examine our career choices, examine how we relate
to our co-workers, examine you know what ways are we have the excessive caretaking or this
controlling other behaviour, controlling behaviour thinking that we can fix other people or clinging
to situations that need to just, that need to go, that aren’t serving us at all and developing
appropriate boundaries and standards for what is okay in our life. So I’ll be curious to see what you guys have
to say about this video down below in the comments and as always lots of love to goes.
You’re not alone in this, you are not crazy and you really can move forward and heal.
It’s just a step at a time day by day. So take care and I will talk to you soon, okay.
Bye.

39 Comments

  • kythe sears says:

    πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈπŸ’‘πŸ’‘πŸ’‘πŸ’‘

  • Nomore Tears says:

    How scary, cause of death- codependency – What has been manipulated into our head, may possibly decide our fate?
    Powerful video, Dana. Thanks…

  • bloozlvr says:

    Have to get a life of our own,baby steps.

  • Alyse Rynor says:

    The DSM 5 – ah yes….written by a bunch of Narcissists! Need I say more?

  • Alyse Rynor says:

    Co-Depenendcy can develop when a person grows up having one or both Narcissistic parents. This because in a covert manner, without realizing it, they learn to give themselves up- failing to develop the inability to form a sense of self, because they are required to mirror their parent(s). Independence is often discouraged and at times there is overt verbal or physical punishment for it, as a result of the parent(s) Narcissistic injury in not being mirrored.

  • Nick Woebcke says:

    I like the comment you made that having a relationship with a narcissist is the same as being alone! That really struck a chord with me, as a codependent. My image of her being ideal and yet not really knowing her at all. And I'm sure she couldn't or wouldn't know who I was either.

  • Solstice1962 says:

    Codependency is in the DSM as part of Dependent PD and Borderline PD.

  • せぅヴぇstろいt says:

    please make a video rational and empathic abilities of people?

  • Glennn7 says:

    Standing ovation. One of the best videos, on any subject, that I have seen. Especially powerful when it so perfectly crystallizes one's own life. So moving, so raw, so transparent, so informative and so empowering. Thank you x 1000.

  • Ina Doodle says:

    Fabulously informativ! So necessary to become conscious of this. Thank you!

  • RobGordon35 says:

    Brilliant explanation, thank you!

  • FightingIrish595 says:

    So I'm just confused with one thing. Do some people become co dependent after being in relationship with a narcissist.

  • joan baczek says:

    i meet many of his symptoms

  • Kevin Taylor says:

    Sweden; an entire society in the grip of codependency. https://youtu.be/zkVcqZZG-aU

  • GentlRebel says:

    I just found your channel and subbed. you have the most informative videos I have ever seen about codependence. just this one alone helped me understand things about myself that I have been trying to figure out for many years! I can't thank you enough. please keep making videos.

  • dostol says:

    I didn't know about the DSM revision. I understood that Sociopath, Psychopath, Narcissist, and Borderline were grouped under Cluster B, Antisocial type. The common thread being low-empathy, if I'm correct. The nuances and overlaps of each are challenging to understand. I'd like to keep up on this.
    I'm not a professional, just a repeated victim! Lol. Recovering co-dependent. Thank you so much for the clarity your videos provide! πŸ™‚

  • Kissin Rain says:

    I think we need to distinguish between denial and just not getting it. I kept trying to fit the narcissists behaviors into a normal frame of reference, trying to explain the behaviors in a way that made sense. It wasn't until he tried to physically blind me, and there was no other explanation other than it was deliberate, was I able to look back and see that every single thing he did was deliberate and he got a rise out of it. I didn't understand why, since I, nor others gave him a reason to be so vengeful, but the explanations I could come up with was that he was either ashamed of his upbringing, and wanted to punish the world for his shame, or the fact that he might be one of those people who could torture animals and babies for fun, proof that It doesn't always take 2 nor a codependent to tango.

  • HigherSelf Prophecy says:

    Can a Codependancy person be abusive?

  • Marc Layton says:

    I found out I was codependent by being with a Narc…still trying to break free!!! Wow I didnt realize just how CD I was…the symptoms blew me away…..I need selah on all of this & watch again…maybe afew times…Thanx so much!!

  • Skygazer says:

    Near the end of the 10 year relationship with my ex narc bf, I was diagnosed with severe anemia. The doctors sent me into ER for blood transfusion. He sucked the blood out of me!

  • MyShansTruth1 says:

    I have started to break my co-dependent behaviors and setting healthy boundaries. Last year I started to recognize I would never be happy if I didn't get out of my marriage. My children was getting older and they was going to be emotionally damaged if I stayed! And they continued to see the behavior in their father. And me accepting his behavior

  • MyShansTruth1 says:

    I didn't realize until last year that I was s victim of Domestic Violence until last year! Because I wasn't hit, but it was mental, emotional, financial and verbal.

  • Sunshine Tarot says:

    OMG I love your voice; sooo soothing.

  • Shannon Wright says:

    Its most of Jehovahs Witnesses…..my life is hell daily…..no longer a JW but…..my life is a mess with everyone ….I met blaming me!!!! I date narc after narc…..most the time I want too die…..but I wont….. why because those asshole are the reason…..I paint..watch movies…try too make people smile and laugh…..day by day…..thats it….its all I haveπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‡πŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’š

  • Twit Knitz says:

    My name is Erin and I'm a co dependent caretaker.
    How can I burn myself out trying to stabilize make your world better?

  • Stuff With Mark says:

    Not sure how I missed this video. Awesome message!!

  • Samantha Lin says:

    I was in an abusive relationship for over 20 years. It escalated to extreme physical abuse, but I didn't even identify the beatings as "abuse" until the last couple of years. I woke up from a reality that my abuser created for me, in which everything, including the physical abuse was my fault. I am now safe and no contact for a year and a half, and am amazed at what I was willing to put myself through and what I legitimized in order to stay in the relationship.

  • Brit Yount says:

    you should do a video on childern of narcissist

  • Antonia Dagostaro says:

    Amazing! U have just described my life of codependency.My Mom=alcoholic and many boyfriends along the way,in 50 yrs.But the Big Bang was a 13 year toxic( narcissist /multiple)relationship that stressed me to the point of DNA mutation. I now have Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. I am now free of his presence,but have forever been altered in many ways, to remind me that self sacrifice is not the path to travel. i hope this is seen and helps at least one victim to wake up and thrive before the irreversible happens. Be the true intention that they were created for; pure positive energy aka Love. Take Care to All!

  • Gwen Stewart says:

    What is your email address?

  • Rebecca Brown says:

    Dana, your clients are so fortunate, as your words are so helpful. The way you convey the necessary information is so clear and stabilising. I'm as narc free as I can be at this time. Your words are very validating for me. Thank you.

  • Andrea Riegler says:

    How can I message Dana directly? I have some questions I feel that would be better answered privately concerning malignant/extreme narcissism? Any help is appreciated. Thx

  • Autumnpixx ASMR says:

    It's so true what you say about the habituation of what becomes acceptable to codependents. For a lot of ppl objectively, they can't believe what I've put up with or allowed into my life with both "friends" and lovers. I've come to realize thanks to channels like yours that actually NONE of it would be considered acceptable for a healthy, high value individual! In fact, I used to chastize myself for being too critical or judgmental when some little piece of my instinct would say "mmm this person is a jerk". Good lord! It's sick! :/

  • scubagirl says:

    Thanks for the list of what is not normal. I have saved it to review again. Really helps me see where I didn't see flags and measure just how far I have evolved. Most of this seems second nature to me – intellectually, but yet to find the normal in a male – female relationship. Been doing my journey solo until I meet someone without the traits you described.

  • Vanessa P says:

    I don't think being a codependent type is harmful or actually become a victim usually when they were in a place of not safe like in an abusive relationship. It just needs to disarm when things are too much to invest in a relationship that is not healthy. Spend time and effort only to those who deserves.

  • missmerbella says:

    Codependency can’t be a personality disorder because it’s not pervasive like personality disorders. Codependents are codependent in their relationships only, not in other areas of their lives. Codependents are also not completely resistant to change like personality disordered individuals.

  • angelica mimosa says:

    Thank you!
    At last I understand!
    I have been dodging bullets and it’s too worrisome that I may not stay so lucky!
    How do I cure myself???

  • DeeM cSweeney says:

    THE bible is infallible; the DSM is fallible.

  • Acer Tree says:

    Absolutely spot on Dana!
    This video is πŸ’― real. After a love-less life beginning with my narc mother and countless toxic friendships, narc bosses and relationships I find myself alone and suffering with multiple sclerosis. This stuff is so insidious it creeps into every area of your life. I always thought I was strong and could handle anything. Nobody ever told me that I didn't have to.

  • Nikki Ann says:

    Can people be trauma bonded and co-dependent or are they exclusive of each other?

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